“What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.” ~ Helen Keller

I dedicated my novel, A Curious State of Affairs to two very dear friends – Gilly and Rod. Today I would like to honour and remember James Rodney Bullock, (Rod to me and most of his friends). Rod was a close and dear friend for many years. We were like brother and sister – and would confide the ups and downs of our lives, day to day, business and social, romantic and medical. I adored him. We were both diagnosed with cancer at the same time – I had Chondrosarcoma, Rod had Liver cancer. We shared so many parts of our life – and sadly, cancer was one of them. Despite a huge appetite for life and a desire to continue enjoying it to the full, after a valiant battle, bravely fought, Rod died. It broke my heart and I miss him still. Rod was a solicitor, family man and dear friend whom I will never forget. I still love and miss you Rod and hope we’ll meet again one day. Rod died 15th May 1996.

I can recall the day I heard the news that Rod had died with absolute clarity. I was sitting at my desk  (I used to run my own business in those days) when the phonecall came that told me the words I so did not want to hear. It felt as though a train had hit me. I remembering putting the phone down and getting up and locking the door to my personal office. I sat back down as if in a trance, numb, then dropped my head down on to my arms on the desk and sobbed for hours. The staff outside must have wondered what was wrong – but nobody knocked the door or put any more phone calls through. I think they realised that something significant had happened and I needed to be alone. I was alone.

Sometimes, even now, I have wonderful  eidetic dreams, where I am with Rod – we are chatting in our old familiar way. Maybe teasing each other a bit,  laughing  and flirting together. I always wake feeling  joyful, and for a for a second or two feel good with the world – and then, like a new bereavement it hits me like a sledgehammer – he is gone. And the world is a lonelier place now. RIP Rod.

“To live in the hearts of those you love is not to die”.

Remember me when I am gone away
Remember me when I am gone away.
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand.
Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.
Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you planned:
Only remember me: you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had.
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than you should remember and be sad.
~ Christina Rossetti

“Remembering is an act of resurrection, each repetition a vital layer of mourning, in memory of those we are sure to meet again” ~ Nancy Cobb, in “In Lieu of Flowers”